So I picked up a pencil for the first time in years tonight and found a few interesting messages from a certain someone who is no longer in my life anymore. Reading them kind of made me realise just how young and naive about the world we were, but obviously there were periods in time that warranted our kind of thinking at the time because it was some of the best times in my life at the very least; and I’m sure maybe for her too but I am not really 100% sure as we don’t speak anymore.
Maybe it won’t always be that way, but I doubt we will ever see each other again. I actually feel fine having seen these messages and really processed that I’m not that mad or hurt about it anymore despite the way the breakup was handled. When you can’t tell if you reacted in such a self destructive way because you might have had feelings for someone still or the way in which it was brought to an end it’s time to leave it be I guess.
Although I closed it on my own terms once or twice we tried to be friends and it just could not work with the life I was living at the time and what I was putting into my body. I am sure maybe with time my behaviour can be forgiven but I may never know. All I know is that the closure is there and I hope she knows this if she ever wonders if I’m dead yet or not.
If I can forgive people that cheated on me and be friends with them five years on in a different place in time, then I am sure somebody who only ever loved me can be forgiven with her only crime really being she loved me until the day she grew up.
As the song goes “every years a souvenir that slowly fades away” and she gave me a few good ones so I can’t hold anything against her because I’m not angry at her anymore. I know she’ll never read this but regardless: I truly am sorry (again haha).
Now maybe I’ll grow up at some point (to some extent), in the future. If this process is one I walk down alone then so be it, we gave it a crack for something that never really stood a chance - fuck we gave it a fair go. I think these old letters gave me a real tangible turning point although I’ve been well on my way throughout the past few months. It’s time to go and find something real and that is so exciting.